It’s Not A Race To The End

2018 wrap up, asd, Assessment, autism, Life events, Musings

Imma jump on this 2018 Year in Review bandwagon right quick because this year, for me, has been pretty eventful so I am moved to write about it.

I don’t normally write stuff about this since I think of time more contextually rather than numerically but here we go.

Two large life-changing events happened for me:

  1. I bought my first house
  2. I received an affirmative autism assessment

I’ll elaborate:

House Purchase

I don’t really see the house purchase as such a huge deal in like a societal achievement or whatever. I guess partly why it’s a big deal is because it’s taken up a lot of money and a lot of time to get it all sorted, fixed up, etc.

It is also in another country, which I guess makes things slightly more complicated but not really because if I ever decide to go home I’ll just sell it.

The main reason it’s a big deal is that I never thought I would be in this position. I always had this vision of myself that I would be in a quirky apartment with 2 cats living the single life forever. But I found someone super special just before I was going to go home and many things aligned that allowed us to be together.

Fate.

Finally.

So it’s been a large and expensive undertaking but the mental benefits have been surprisingly profound to me. I finally feel like I have a home again after moving away (drastically) to start uni. It’s been a long, hard road with many ups and downs, deeply regrettable encounters with a couple of people (though they lead me to where I am now so can’t really regret it as roses grew out of mud for me but still very bad memories) and wonderful learnings from others. I doubt I will ever go into the details on this blog but trust me when I say that the struggle was real and the hustle has paid off.

Assessment

This time last year I had booked my autism assessment and was compiling information from my mother and those closest to me for anything that I do or did that may be related to autism. I went private for my diagnosis since the NHS waiting list is incredibly long and I needed the answer sooner rather than later.

It cost a lot of money but it was worth it.

It was a pretty straight-forward assessment but grueling and long, and I think the two women who conducted my assessment knew long before we were finished that I was/am autistic.

It has been a phenomenal revelation and has filled in every missing piece for me.

I am 35 years old and have been on a quest to understand why I have felt like such an outsider and/or Frankenstein/Edward Scissorhands my entire life. I was in and out of different therapies, taken on and off different medications, etc., from about age 10 onward and struggled very badly with depression, anxiety and other negative feelings because no one could really tell me the why or because of my behavior. Now I have an answer that, had I been a kid right now, I probably would’ve received but no one was really looking out for autism when I was growing up much less diagnosing it for young girls or women.

Anyway, I started this blog to give myself a space to anonymously write my feelings about my assessment and whatever else is on my mind with the hope that maybe my words will help make one person out there on the interwebs feel less alone and feel supported in their own personal neurodiverse or neurotypical journey.

Because, you know, at the end of every keyboard is a flesh-and-blood human being who needs love and support just like everybody else whether they’re autistic or not.

I feel good about my assessment now. Some days, I still don’t know where autism starts and ends in my brain for me but I don’t really care. I am who I am. No one really fully understands autism and I have my own ideas around it but it just doesn’t matter. We are all having this human experience together despite our differences and I am happy/proud of who I am.

Plus, I always wanted to be part of the X-Men so this is the closest I’ll get. πŸ˜€

I always thought I would be dead by the time I reached 30. Once I graduated uni forever with my BA and MA (which was around the age of 31 or so), I thought to myself that anything that happens after that would be a bonus.

Four or five years later I am sitting here with full revelation of who I am, a home to call my own, a partner in crime and a good job with kind, friendly people.

And it’s those little things that matter the most to me. Yes, the political and environmental state of the world is profoundly depressing on a level that I do not wish to discuss on my blog.

I don’t know how I managed to turn my life around like this but I have and I am so grateful.

My new goal in life…

…a different kind of hustle, if you will,

is to be kind to people because, as I’ve said in other posts, we are all on a journey and all have baggage. We could all do with a little more kindness in our lives and I hope I can bring that while I’m still here.

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Sorry, I Can’t “People” Right Now

asd, autism, feelings, Musings

Sometimes I want to write but don’t know what to write about.

A thousand and one things rattling around inside my head that are eager to be expressed

but life takes up so much time,

and I take up so much time mentally decompressing after a flurry of activity.

I went home for the holiday and that was nice to be home.

It was also intense and peopley.

But really nice.

It has taken me a week to decompress.

More holidaying to come will mean more time to decompress.

I am lucky/grateful in having time off over this festive period to do just that.

Mental decompression.

It’s an underrated healing tactic.

My Autistic Brain

Acceptance, asd, autism, Taking off the mask

Oh, hello there. It’s been awhile.

5 points if that sentence reminded you of that Staind song “It’s Been Awhile”. :-p

I’ve been doing some thinking lately about what autism is for people.

More specifically, what it is for me.

Because, I figure, the more I understand my own autistic brain, the better I can help those around me understand me and ensure we have a happy balance between my needs and theirs.

So, I have compiled a list of what I think are some of my autistic traits.

I don’t know how many people in my daily life read this blog, but maybe they will read this and learn some things about me that don’t generally come up in conversation.

And, of course, maybe it will help you as well, my kind reader, feel less alone in this world because you, too, are autistic or love/respect someone who is.

Or maybe you’re just lurker.

Or stalker.

Whatevs.

Anyway, here are some characteristics of my autistic brain:

  • I interrupt in conversations pretty frequently — just don’t really understand when it’s my turn to talk
  • Let’s not get into the massively high levels of anxiety I get as soon as I walk out the front door because the outside world is truly difficult to understand and process
  • I have a hard time understanding social greetings and niceties, small talk,Β  etc., and have a hard time figuring out how to reply (I have learned a set of bank questions I use but they don’t always work if something happens that isn’t on my “script”)
  • I understand many things literally. “It’s raining cats and dogs” –> I literally picture cats and dogs coming down from the clouds like rain
  • I have dyscalculia and very likely dyspraxia though I haven’t been formally tested. This was raised as highly likely during my autism assessment
  • I really don’t like being touched during social greetings. Kisses on the cheek make me crisp up like a dried leaf. I’ve gotten better with hugs but I am crawling up the walls any time I enter or exit a social situation
  • I can feel electricity. Not sure if that’s an autistic trait or not
  • I have a heightened sense of smell
  • My sensory profile is grossly above average for sensory sensitivity and sensory avoidance, and mildly above average for sensation seeking but this is very “sensory” dependent (i.e., it’s on my terms and only for a very small selection of things and for a very limited amount of time)
  • I stim during meetings at work or when I am starting to get overwhelmed by crowds, conversations, general peopling, when I’m excited or bored, etc. I try to keep this hidden but I’ve become more open about it in recent months
  • I think I have a heightened sense of touch, which plays into the social greeting thing. Often times, things touching me for an extended period of time (clothing, for example, or contact) physically hurt
  • Routine. Routine. Routine.
  • I’m not a particularly imaginative person. Never have been. People think I am but all I ever did was mimic what I saw on TV, movies, observations from other people, etc.
  • I. Notice. Everything.
  • I am very black and white in my thinking and often either have “too much” empathy (if that’s even a bad thing) or not enough
  • SPECIAL INTERESTS FTW. I don’t want to go into those on here though because I would never stop typing if I did!

This is nowhere near a complete list and I am still learning about all these things on my autism journey. It feels kind of good to list them out though, even if it’s just to reflect on.

Autism is very unique to an individual. If you know one autistic person, that does not mean you know them all. It is really important to make the effort to educate yourself about the autistic spectrum and discuss it with someone you know who may be autistic. It can only improve your relationship with that person.Β 

As I always say, there isn’t any shame in neurotypical or neurodiverse behavior. We’re all having this human experience together. πŸ™‚

β€œI’m so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.” – L.M. Montgomery

Musings

I love Fall.

It’s probably my most favorite season next to spring.

And y’all know how much I love nature. πŸ˜€

I find the bite in the crispy, cool air on a bright day refreshing.

I love Halloween, spooky nights, cozy and comforting baked breads, and the crunching sound of burnt orange, crimson and turmeric-colored leaves on my walks to work.

I love oversized sweaters and being bundled up in a patterned scarf.

I love that kind of autumnal sleepy lull the season brings before the harshness and darkness of winter.

But, most of all, I love how reflective the seasonal change makes me.

It probably makes me more reflective than my usual heavily reflective state. πŸ˜€

I am going home during the autumn season for the first time in a long time.

And that’s pretty neat.

This has caused me to reflect on what a great life adventure I have been having–all of the lightness and darkness it has shown me–and what it has taught me.

I have had a very colorful life, and it is my mission to grow into a wise woman like Maya Angelou and hopefully, one day, bestow my knowledge and bring some positive influence to someone’s life.

So, the following are my fundamentals on how I try to live my life and to help me grow to become the most bad-ass person I can be:

1. Be kind to unkind people. Everyone has a battle inside of themselves they are trying to fight. This can make people harsh, cold and mean on the outside. You may want to be unkind to someone who is unkind to you, but it is important to remember that that negativity is coming from pain. We all need a little support in this life. I try to be kind. It is not always easy and I am not always successful but I do try.

2. Be open minded. Love who you want to love, dress how you want to dress, be who you want to be, be different, be status quo, be nothing, be something. As long as you aren’t hurting anyone or anything, just be you. I appreciate you for being true to your spirit.

3. Do not let the cruelty of the world kill your essence. I come from an activist family and I have done my fair share of activist work. I have experienced things. You have experienced things. This exposure has made me a realist. I refuse to let the darkness of humanity kill my light. It is important to rise above and not let negative experiences destroy. The world needs more light, more healing and more compassion. I refuse to let that be taken from me.

4. Appreciate the unique experience of living on Earth. I have spoken about this before I think in some of my posts. It’s a magical experience being able to know what life is like on a planet instead of viewing one from afar. It’s truly the most amazing thing. I think about this daily and pay attention to the profound-yet-minute details of nature that go on around us–sun reflecting off water, sparkling dew drops in the early morning hours, huge Harvest moons, fluffy bumblebees buzzing around flowers, and so on.

5. Society is a game. Work, the stock market, social success, money, status, power are all “not sure ifs” for me. I’ve never been one to adhere to any type of construct. I play by acceptable society rules because I need to do it in order to have a decent life but I do see through the facade. Remembering it’s make believe helps get me through sometimes. You may not agree with this, and I’m not asking you to, it’s just the way I, personally, see things.

6. Tell people you love them. There is an urgency to life that I carry with me always due to the passing of my father, who I was greatly connected to. Do away with what doesn’t serve you in life and tell people you love that you love them. Don’t wait. Life is too short for bullshit.

7. No matter what happens, get back up. This feeds back into number 3, but no matter what happens, keep that fighting spirit and get back up. The world needs you.

I’m sure there are more but these are some of the core beliefs I hold for myself and try to live by. To me, life is about learning and growing as much as possible, and to have a positive impact while I’m here.

I think I am doing that, which is pretty cool. I mean, we are all trying to do our best in life, right?

Time to head back out into that autumnal sunshine. πŸ™‚

Oh, What It Would Be To Have A Heart Made Of Armor

asd, autism, Taking off the mask

I feel like a ghost most days.

This feeling intensifies when I am in a very social situation with people in loud, chaotic, multiple-conversations-happening-at-once setting. I have a very difficult time functioning in this type of setting, no matter if the mood is happy or not, so I don’t really engage and end up usually shutting down.

This, naturally, confuses most people and I usually end up getting asked if I’m okay or will be mistaken for being aloof, shy, upset, detached, moody, etc.

Then I become a ghost.

This happened last night. I was struggling to be “on” after having a really exhausting day in terms of too much “people-ing” and sensory overload in a busy city with huge crowds, etc. I couldn’t engage enough. I probably should have spoken up about the problems I was having but didn’t. The company knew about my diagnosis so maybe they should’ve spoken up, too.

Regardless, this kind of stuff triggers the fight-or-flight response, making me want to disappear from everyone and everything.

I found a really good article from the National Autistic Society regarding autism and loneliness. It is spot on and perfectly depicts my own feeling on this subject.

I’m learning that these down-to-the-bone-marrow feelings of isolation are probably linked, in a way I suppose, to the shutdowns.

While I feel my particular autism has many strengths, communication is one of the areas where I do find it to be a disability.

Casual conversation.

Making and keeping friendships.

Social interaction.

I am going to be 35 on Monday and I suffer just as much as I did when I was a child when it comes to integrating into a social “norm” setting and maintaining friendships.

I am very good at “camouflaging” this, when I have the energy to, so anyone who has met me in the last few years won’t really notice or will be mega surprised to find out about my autism.

But those who knew me before then–before I mastered my masking techniques–won’t be surprised at all.

And masking is utterly exhausting.

I have written before how I don’t want to wear these masks all of the time. I want to be who I am and have people understand that I am different and that I need some guidance on how to effectively “fit in.”

I have not been wearing these masks lately but few people around me are changing and, in some cases, the “friendships” are getting worse because some people refuse to talk to me about my autism diagnosis and refuse to adapt a social situation that will help me communicate without shutting down (i.e., something a little more quiet or with less people).

Not masking is making me feel more isolated than when I am masking. But when I mask, I feel like I am inauthentic and why hide who I actually am? I don’t think it’s inappropriate for me to address when I am having troubles due to ASD and kindly request if we can move somewhere more quiet, for example. Usually, people are okay to do this, but some aren’t. And the ones that aren’t, I guess, aren’t really worth my time in the first place.

Is it unhealthy for me to think that, because I am trying to compromise by improving scripting (or “chitchat”) skills by asking, what to me, are useless questions with no meaning to help “neurotypical” people feel comfortable, people should compromise on helping me in social situations by being a little more sensitive to my disability with communication?

Am I asking too much? I genuinely don’t know if I am or not. It would be helpful for someone to tell me so I can appropriately address the situation(s) in the future.

It’s unfortunate that a lot of my sensitivities are very socially focused (overly-sensitive sensory sensitivity and sensory avoidance) but that doesn’t mean I don’t like people or lack a need for human interaction.

I do need it.

And I’ve tried.

Am trying.

And will keep trying.

Even though it hurts sometimes.

But, I guess, those who are actually interested in my good qualities and the friendship I can offer will talk about this with me. People who show complete apathy, avoidance or other negative responses aren’t really worth the energy I have to expend to keep trying.

ToΒ  communicate in a world where most people, “neurotypical” or not, are already pretty poor at communicating is hard. I mean, we are all just children with hurt feelings inside adult bodies, right? We should probably be more mindful about addressing those hurt feelings, talk it out and move on.

A quote by Nita taken from that article by NAS I linked to earlier, who is also autistic, goes like this:

“I am autistic, but I am no less worthy of friendship than anyone else.”

Those. Words. Exactly.

Sensory Profile FTW

Acceptance, asd, Assessment, autism

Part of my (very) lengthy assessment involved analyzing my sensory profile. I scored significantly high (if you can call it that) for sensory avoiding and sensory sensitivity.

NOW I understand why I run away from social situations so much among other things.

I’ve gotten really good at disappearing from social engagements without being seen. I consider it a pretty cool trick I’ve learned in adapting to “normal” life stuffs. This mostly happens, nowadays, at work functions where the heavy social interaction + unpredictability of logistics + trying to make small talk + high levels of distraction + large groups + lack of social buddy I can cling onto to help me with conversing = shutdown.

So I disappear. As if by magic.

I appreciate my behavior probably confuses people but can I just say how good it feels to actually be able to explain my behavior instead of coming across as misanthropic, asocial or some other frowned-upon assumption?

While getting people to fully understand how they can help me is still a challenge, I am finding that most people I share this information with are empathetic and have offered to help in one way or another.

I still have my up and down days with acceptance and figuring out how to work this all into my life so I can be the best me and have a fulfilling life experience. But little things like this feel reallyreally good.

And it helps me dust the dirt off my knees when I do falter.

Healing in Rain

Acceptance, Musings

I’ve been having some pretty intense writer’s block the last couple weeks.

It may be because of intense heat.

It may be because of being busy.

It may be because of laziness.

Maybe.

I walked home in the rain yesterday.

Normally, that would kind of blow but it was nice yesterday.

All the greenery looked more vibrant and relieved being bathed in soft, gentle rain showers.

Refreshed.

I used to love writing on my mom’s back porch during rain and thunderstorms alike.

It would usually make me feel really reflective of life and things, thus spurring some pretty intense writing.

That would then lead to some pretty intense healing.

I don’t have a porch anymore (yet) but the walk yesterday did make me reflect on life and things.

And that’s really my most favorite activity — to think about life and things.

Especially if there’s rain.

I guess the real reason why I’ve been having writer’s block is because I’ve doing a large amount of healing.

Analyzing.

Accepting.

Strengthening.

Letting go.

Feeling humble and complete in my soggy Vans, soaked umbrella and dripping coffee-colored curls.