Spooky At Heart

Musings

I’ve been feeling kind of nostalgic lately.

Not the kind of nostalgic over really cool things like Super Nintendo, comic book trading cards or driving my parents’ station wagon to Coconuts or Planet Music to buy CDs on sticky/humid Saturday afternoons.

More of a nostalgic feeling over people.

After all, people are one of my special interests.

There are about two or three people I have particularly distinctive memories of in high school.

These two or three people are people I always wanted to be friends with but was too autistic akward to speak to.

It’s like I knew we could totally be mega BFFs but I just could not figure out how to actually speak to them on top of usual teenage feelings of insecurity I guess.

Turns out, two of those three have also been diagnosed with high-functioning autism so maybe they felt the same as me!

Anyway, I had a pretty lacklustre high school experience. I had a couple of closer friends and a lot of acquaintances but no one really knew me, and I was in a pretty dark place for lots and lots of reasons that go beyond ASD.

At the core, the reason why those friendships ended was because I didn’t know how to maintain them or the friendships became toxic due to other people being in their own dark places. I found light and developed a zero tolerance policy to unhealthy behavior, thus the friendship ended.

As I get older, I’m beginning to see the value in maintaining contact with people from those times; something I cannot obtain now.

Being a teenager is a special time. I would never do it again but there is a sort of magic in learning and discovering who you are during that phase of life.

I literally speak to no one from high school.

And that sort of bothers me in a way. I feel like maybe I missed out on something.

But, in the same breath, the friendships I did have I found really smothering and hindsight has a lot to say for life.

This is another area where if had I been diagnosed in my youth, it would’ve made things like social engagements and making/maintaining friendships SO much easier.

But, alas, I wasn’t so I had to learn things the hard (sometimes very hard) way.

But it would’ve been nice to have made friends with those two or three people.

To have more partners in crime.

To have people who loved New Order’s “Ceremony” as much as I did/do.

To have fellow “weirdos” to be “weird” with.

But now I have met my partner in crime,

who does love New Order’s “Ceremony” as much as I do

and is my fellow “weirdo” I can be “weird” with.

So maybe I haven’t missed out on anyting at all.

And those people could’ve been jerks for all I know. :p

Everything for a reason.

Everything.

Always.

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One thought on “Spooky At Heart

  1. Under Skeleton, your blog will soon be added to our Actually Autistic Blogs List (anautismobserver.wordpress.com). Please click on the “How do you want your blog listed?” link at the top of that site to customize your blog’s description on the list.
    Thank you.
    Judy (An Autism Observer)

    Liked by 1 person

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