Spiritual Loneliness

asd, Assessment, autism

I feel lonely a lot.

It isn’t a loneliness that comes from lack of people around me.

It’s deeper than that.

Like a spiritual loneliness.

I’ve never really felt like I belonged anywhere.

The older I get, the more accustom to this feeling I become.

But that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t bother me sometimes.

I know I have people around me who love me but I sometimes wonder if they really do love me.

I think it’s because I don’t process feelings like those around me do.

I feel things.

Deeply.

But I struggle to verbally express those feelings well.

Or even really process what I’m feeling to a certain extent.

That’s why I write.

Why I have this blog.

Why I prefer text messages to phone calls.

Why I go silent for a period of time when someone opens up to me.

I have oceans of empathy but struggle to articulate said empathy appropriately.

I don’t speak to anyone from my past.

I like it that way.

But I do sometimes miss having USA-relevant comradery among cultural references in jokes and experiences that people in this country don’t necessarily understand (as referenced in a previous post).

Those references aren’t on the same level of spiritual loneliness though.

And they’re fleeting.

I thought my assessment would somehow fill this spiritual loneliness somewhat, which it has, but I think I was naive or expecting too much from the outside world.

Right now, I’m battling being open about my autism or pretending like it’s not there.

I don’t want to hide who I am.

I don’t want to camoflauge.

I don’t want to be exhausted from camoflauging.

I want to be who I am. All of me. Always.

But I’m having a hard time with ignorant comments and/or apathy about high-functioning autism I’ve been receiving in my daily life.

It is making me feel even more lonely, to be honest.

Forever wayward, it seems.

I know it will improve.

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4 thoughts on “Spiritual Loneliness

  1. So sorry to hear you are receiving insensitive comments. I’m glad you are able to express yourself on here. I’ve learnt so much about autism in the last 2 years but the thing I’ve learnt the most is that people don’t really understand it even if they think they do. Great post.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words. I am hopeful that, in time, all aspects of autism will be more widely understood but until then it’s important to be vocal about it to help spread that knowledge, even if it is really lonely sometimes. But your comment has made me feel less alone. Thank you. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Me too, dear friend 😘. Omg I have felt this my whole life. Everywhere I go, everything I do, everything I try to be – nothing alleviates it. Nothing fills the void, very little comforts me. I’m slowly making peace with it, but it’s a long, tough process 💗
    Walking by your side, in case it helps 💞💞

    Liked by 1 person

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