It’s Not A Race To The End

2018 wrap up, asd, Assessment, Life events, Musings

Imma jump on this 2018 Year in Review bandwagon right quick because this year, for me, has been pretty eventful so I am moved to write about it.

I don’t normally write stuff about this since I think of time more contextually rather than numerically but here we go.

Two large life-changing events happened for me:

  1. I bought my first house
  2. I received an affirmative autism assessment

I’ll elaborate:

House Purchase

I don’t really see the house purchase as such a huge deal in like a societal achievement or whatever. I guess partly why it’s a big deal is because it’s taken up a lot of money and a lot of time to get it all sorted, fixed up, etc.

It is also in another country, which I guess makes things slightly more complicated but not really because if I ever decide to go home I’ll just sell it.

The main reason it’s a big deal is that I never thought I would be in this position. I always had this vision of myself that I would be in a quirky apartment with 2 cats living the single life forever. But I found someone super special just before I was going to go home and many things aligned that allowed us to be together.

Fate.

Finally.

So it’s been a large and expensive undertaking but the mental benefits have been surprisingly profound to me. I finally feel like I have a home again after moving away (drastically) to start uni. It’s been a long, hard road with many ups and downs, deeply regrettable encounters with a couple of people (though they lead me to where I am now so can’t really regret it as roses grew out of mud for me but still very bad memories) and wonderful learnings from others. I doubt I will ever go into the details on this blog but trust me when I say that the struggle was real and the hustle has paid off.

Assessment

This time last year I had booked my autism assessment and was compiling information from my mother and those closest to me for anything that I do or did that may be related to autism. I went private for my diagnosis since the NHS waiting list is incredibly long and I needed the answer sooner rather than later.

It cost a lot of money but it was worth it.

It was a pretty straight-forward assessment but grueling and long, and I think the two women who conducted my assessment knew long before we were finished that I was/am autistic.

It has been a phenomenal revelation and has filled in every missing piece for me.

I am 35 years old and have been on a quest to understand why I have felt like such an outsider and/or Frankenstein/Edward Scissorhands my entire life. I was in and out of different therapies, taken on and off different medications, etc., from about age 10 onward and struggled very badly with depression, anxiety and other negative feelings because no one could really tell me the why or because of my behavior. Now I have an answer that, had I been a kid right now, I probably would’ve received but no one was really looking out for autism when I was growing up much less diagnosing it for young girls or women.

Anyway, I started this blog to give myself a space to anonymously write my feelings about my assessment and whatever else is on my mind with the hope that maybe my words will help make one person out there on the interwebs feel less alone and feel supported in their own personal neurodiverse or neurotypical journey.

Because, you know, at the end of every keyboard is a flesh-and-blood human being who needs love and support just like everybody else whether they’re autistic or not.

I feel good about my assessment now. Some days, I still don’t know where autism starts and ends in my brain for me but I don’t really care. I am who I am. No one really fully understands autism and I have my own ideas around it but it just doesn’t matter. We are all having this human experience together despite our differences and I am happy/proud of who I am.

Plus, I always wanted to be part of the X-Men so this is the closest I’ll get. 😀

I always thought I would be dead by the time I reached 30. Once I graduated uni forever with my BA and MA (which was around the age of 31 or so), I thought to myself that anything that happens after that would be a bonus.

Four years later I am sitting here with full revelation of who I am, a home to call my own, a partner in crime and a good job with kind, friendly people.

And it’s those little things that matter the most to me. Yes, the political and environmental state of the world is profoundly depressing on a level that I do not wish to discuss on my blog.

I don’t know how I managed to turn my life around like this but I have and I am so grateful.

My new goal in life…

…a different kind of hustle, if you will,

is to be kind to people because, as I’ve said in other posts, we are all on a journey and all have baggage. We could all do with a little more kindness in our lives and I hope I can bring that while I’m still here.

Sensory Profile FTW

Acceptance, Assessment

Part of my (very) lengthy assessment involved analyzing my sensory profile. I scored significantly high (if you can call it that) for sensory avoiding and sensory sensitivity.

NOW I understand why I run away from social situations so much among other things.

I’ve gotten really good at disappearing from social engagements without being seen. I consider it a pretty cool trick I’ve learned in adapting to “normal” life stuffs. This mostly happens, nowadays, at work functions where the heavy social interaction + unpredictability of logistics + trying to make small talk + high levels of distraction + large groups + lack of social buddy I can cling onto to help me with conversing = shutdown.

So I disappear. As if by magic.

I appreciate my behavior probably confuses people but can I just say how good it feels to actually be able to explain my behavior instead of coming across as misanthropic, asocial or some other frowned-upon assumption?

While getting people to fully understand how they can help me is still a challenge, I am finding that most people I share this information with are empathetic and have offered to help in one way or another.

I still have my up and down days with acceptance and figuring out how to work this all into my life so I can be the best me and have a fulfilling life experience. But little things like this feel reallyreally good.

And it helps me dust the dirt off my knees when I do falter.

Spiritual Loneliness

Assessment

I feel lonely a lot.

It isn’t a loneliness that comes from lack of people around me.

It’s deeper than that.

Like a spiritual loneliness.

I’ve never really felt like I belonged anywhere.

The older I get, the more accustom to this feeling I become.

But that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t bother me sometimes.

I know I have people around me who love me but I sometimes wonder if they really do love me.

I think it’s because I don’t process feelings like those around me do.

I feel things.

Deeply.

But I struggle to verbally express those feelings well.

Or even really process what I’m feeling to a certain extent.

That’s why I write.

Why I have this blog.

Why I prefer text messages to phone calls.

Why I go silent for a period of time when someone opens up to me.

I have oceans of empathy but struggle to articulate said empathy appropriately.

I don’t speak to anyone from my past.

I like it that way.

But I do sometimes miss having USA-relevant comradery among cultural references in jokes and experiences that people in this country don’t necessarily understand (as referenced in a previous post).

Those references aren’t on the same level of spiritual loneliness though.

And they’re fleeting.

I thought my assessment would somehow fill this spiritual loneliness somewhat, which it has, but I think I was naive or expecting too much from the outside world.

Right now, I’m battling being open about my autism or pretending like it’s not there.

I don’t want to hide who I am.

I don’t want to camoflauge.

I don’t want to be exhausted from camoflauging.

I want to be who I am. All of me. Always.

But I’m having a hard time with ignorant comments and/or apathy about high-functioning autism I’ve been receiving in my daily life.

It is making me feel even more lonely, to be honest.

Forever wayward, it seems.

I know it will improve.

Smile with clenched jaw

Assessment, Life events

The last few months have felt like a chaotic whirlwind.

Numerous life events happening all within close proximity to each other.

Well, closer proximity than I prefer.

Traveling overseas to visit home.

Starting a new job.

Getting married.

Getting diagnosed with High Functioning Autism.

Moving house.

Most of these happened within the last 30 days.

So it’s been a lot to handle.

It’s kind of weird (though not really) because the busier I am the more I forget about my diagnosis.

But then things happen that bring it right to the forefront.

Things like sensory overload when unloading furniture at a busy disposal location.

Misunderstandings at work because something wasn’t said direct enough for me to understand.

The plethora of feelings when I tell acquaintances (out of necessity) that I’m autistic.

Or even moving house in general because, you know, routine.

This pretty much sucks.

But it’ll be over soon and it will be worth it.

I’m not sure I’ve come to terms yet with my diagnosis.

It’s hard to think about it in this chaotic whirlwind.

It’s brought up a million and one new feelings.

And it has changed the way some people have interacted with me.

Some for the better, some for the worse.

Hm.

It’ll be good to have some down time over the summer.

Process of Acceptance

Acceptance, Assessment

So I felt pretty good on Friday about my diagnosis but now I’m hitting this weird temporary wall of denial. I keep taking the AQ test over and over and keep getting the same “autistic” result. I had a gruelling session with two highly regarded professionals leading the way for accurate diagnosis of women. It’s obvious this is what I’ve been my whole life but having a label to it now is making me feel … sort of all over the place. More so than usual. It’s raising a million and one questions and concerns like:

  • Who do I tell?
  • Do I announce it with a mega phone or keep it quiet?
  • If I keep quiet, I won’t help educate more people about how diverse autism is.
  • If I am vocal, I’m not really ready for the potential negativity (and you know there will be because there’s always THAT ONE GUY or GAL).

I’m not so sure I’m ready yet for the:

  • “You don’t look or seem autistic,”
  • “But you’re really smart,”
  • “You only want attention,”
  • “You’re going to be a problem now,”
  • “I don’t know how to act around you.”

I have told a handful of people so far. Those people have been supportive. They’ve said I am still me with or without a label.

That’s great but I don’t really know what that means.

And having the label is what is making me feel weird right now.

I’ve had 34 years of painful experiences that have deeply impacted me because I was autistic and no one knew.

Had I known I was autistic sooner, I or my parents could’ve negated some of those experiences.

I also think my father was autistic but he has passed away so we will never know for certain.

But, alas, no one was diagnosing high-functioning autism when I was in school let alone in girls or women.

So the label is useful for practical reasons.

And I am not sorry for who I am.

Nor will I keep it a secret.

But wearing that label is like breaking in a new pair of shoes.

It’ll fit perfectly in time. Not everyone will notice or like my awesome new shoes but others will love my new shoes just like they loved my old shoes and none of it will even matter because it (as in life) is all beautiful.

Finite Assessment. Infinite Revelation.

Assessment

My assessment is on Friday.

Pretty scared to be honest.

If it’s not this then I hope it’s something.

Because something is better than nothing in this situation.

If it’s nothing then I guess I’m just crazy.

And everyone is crazy.

So maybe crazy isn’t such a bad thing.

But if it’s crazy then I’d like to be able to communicate with crazy a little better than I do now.

So, I guess, it’s all a win in a way.

Still scared though.

Life = journey. Life=journey. Life=journey.