“Writing about a writer’s block is better than not writing at all.” ― Charles Bukowski

feelings

I’ve started and stopped about 5 different posts so far.

I’ve had wretched writer’s block for around the last two months.

I guess it’s because a lot has been going on since January and I haven’t really had the headspace or time to sit,

think,

reflect,

feel

with a keyboard in front of me.

I used to keep a paper journal and write outside during stormy weather (under shelter, of course).

If I kept a paper journal now, I’m not sure how legible my handwriting would be.

As most people in the world, I’ve become pretty accustomed to communicating super duper quickly with the ferocious tapping of keys.

I recently attempted to create a Twitter account to accompany this blog but quickly realized that Twitter is way too extraverted for me.

I have a hard time figuring out what to say in a face-to-face conversation let alone what to say in limited amount of characters to, what feels like, the entire world.

So, I deleted it.

And here I remain with my quiet, humble spot on the internet to divulge my love of nature,

flowers,

music,

and find catharsis in putting some of my story out there in hopes someone, somewhere will benefit from it and/or feel less alone.

I guess one funny way to think of it, as paraphrased from Neil Gaiman:

“As writer’s, we’re lucky. If we’re not productive, we can blame it on ‘writer’s block,’ an ailment that doesn’t seem to exist for other professions. For instance, shoe salesmen do not get ‘shoe salesmen block.’”

Please note: I do not consider myself a ‘writer’ though I have been writing poetry and prose for most of my life, and have done some readings, but I am by no means a writer like Neil Gaiman or a billion other awesome writers.

So, for now, I sit with wretched writer’s block

behind a keyboard

with a million and one things to write but no scintillating clarity to write them.

Ugh.

Get Back Up & Do It Again

feelings, Life events

It has been a pretty rough start to this year, which may be mildly ironic given my year in review of 2018.

But things can’t always be peachy keen.

How dull would life be if everything was perfect all the time?

We would never appreciate the good moments,

the beautiful moments,

the vulnerable moments,

those moments that feel infinite.

I am a firm believer that hardships happen to spur growth and/or change,

and boy, I sure am going through some growing pains right now.

It’s easy to think that, with age, you become impervious to growth;

that you’ve learned all you needed to learn during your youth so now the world just sorta happens around you,

but that is truly naive thinking.

Part of what I am learning is that, while I thought I had learned almost everything there was to learn, I was wrong and I am learning a lot right now,

changing a lot,

metamorphosing.

I mean, I guess life has been pretty sweet for the last 4 years.

I’ve been long overdue for a rocky one.

So, here we are and here I am learning.

It’s kind of rough.

But there is so much shimmering wisdom blooming within this chaos.

sunlight in landscape

Life Is A Funny Thing

feelings, Life events

My stepdad passed away the other day.

Three weeks ago, he went to the doctor for back pain that wouldn’t subside.

Turned out to be pancreatic cancer; tumors from his pancreas pushing into his spinal cord.

The doctor told him he had at least 3 months.

The cancer was in his bones but not his other organs.

Radiation treatment began, chemo to shortly follow.

He was admitted to hospital the other night with shortness of breath and confusion.

His blood levels were very low oxygen due to the cancer being inside his bone marrow.

He kept saying to my mom “Let’s get through this so I can get my treatment,”

“This won’t impact my treatment, right?”

He became scared, confused and agitated.

Then he passed out.

They tried reviving him for 45 minutes.

He was 48.

They think he may have had a blood clot that caused the rapid decline in health.

My mom didn’t opt for an autopsy so we won’t really know for certain.

My birth father passed away in 2008 from liver disease.

He was ill for 15 years so was slow and gradual in comparison to this but no easier, obviously.

He was my hero.

I am still broken in places due to his passing.

This is my first real experience with a more sudden death.

I have a lot of complicated feelings right now.

Some of which I feel incredibly selfish for like “Why am I not allowed to have a father figure in my life?”

Others, less selfish like “Why isn’t my mom allowed to be happy?”

“Why did he have to leave scared and confused?”

“Why did he even have to leave?”

When my birth father passed, I developed this permanent heavy weight from death’s hands resting on my shoulder, whispering the Virgil’s quote:

“Death twitches my ear;
‘Live,’ he says…
‘I’m coming.”

I live with an intense urgency of life.

Multiple times a day I ask myself if I’m happy with what I’m doing,

if I should be doing more,

if I’m okay with my current life,

if I should change things,

if I should move back home,

if I should change careers,

If.

Life is a funny thing.

I’m a firm believer that we are all on our own paths that are meant to teach and we are to learn accordingly.

But I am struggling to understand what all this death is trying to teach me.

I mean, I know it has taught me humility and deep empathy for the human journey.

It has taught me patience and spiritual compassion that we’re all hurting inside from something; that we’re all working on something (even if many don’t realize it) so to be kind even if people are not kind back (something I think I will forever be working on).

I thought I learned all I could the first time around.

But I guess I was wrong.

And, really, it’s not even about me.

Grief is a deeply personal experience so I cannot speak for others.

I just know that I want them back.

Please, come back.