Earth Is the Most Beautiful Thing About Earth

feelings, Musings

I haven’t been sleeping very well.

The burning sun rays that split the darkness of the room around 4am have been pretty invasive.

And so have my thoughts.

I was on vacation last week in a place geographically south of here.

The sun rose around 7am.

I would wake up around 6:30am, sit on the balcony and watch the morning rise over the Atlantic ocean.

That was probably my most favorite part of our vacation:

absorbing the sleepy silence of the morning,

noting the tender tinkering of silverware being set up for breakfast below us,

the gentle rolling and breaking of slumbersome waves along the cliffs,

and the sporadic trill and chirps of morning songs from sea birds.

It was sensory bliss.

Waking like that reminded me of home.

I would wake up around 6:30am for a 7am sunrise.

Instead of a balcony, I would sit on our back porch and watch the morning rise over a tree-lined yard instead of a tranquil ocean.

Trill and chirps of sea birds replaced by bird song from robins, blue jays and sparrows.

Earth is the most beautiful thing about Earth.

I wish the human species had it hardwired in the brain to appreciate, respect and care for the planet it is so lucky to live on and experience firsthand rather than from a telescope.

The Moon, My Love

asd, autism, Musings

Conscious I haven’t written about my autistic journey for some time, I sat down to write about my most recent misadventure involving my special interest in music, and how I may or may not have gotten myself into a little bit of a pickle around concert tickets out of fear I would miss out, spending money that I don’t have, and the reactions from those around me who aren’t autistic.

But I really just feel like writing about the moon.

One of my most favorite activities is to sit outside under a clear sky and observe the moon and a plethora of stars above us.

No photo can ever do it justice.

Before I moved away, I used to do that almost nightly in my parents’ backyard no matter the season though partial to the crisp Autumn months and spring evenings lit by lightning bugs.

My favorite was going to an isolated part of the beach and just sitting and observing; bathing in the pearly glow of the moon.

The mellow breeze rolling off the onyx-colored waves kissed by moonlight lulled the sticky, humid summer air.

It was mega cathartic for me.

Nowadays, my back garden has replaced my parents’ backyard but the same activity occurs no matter the season.

I live less close to a beach now, though, and this is something I deeply miss.

There’s something magical, ethereal about the moon and its energy that resonates with me.

I sometimes wish I could sit on the moon and just observe what it has, does and will observe;

all of the cyclical shifts,

extinctions,

creations,

loves,

losses,

destruction,

beauty,

it has seen from Earth and mankind.

There are a lot of scary things happening around us everywhere and it’s easy to get weighed down by it all.

But, regardless of who we are, what we’re doing, where we’re doing and why we all look at the same moon at night.

7.7 billion people observing a 4.53 billion-year-old moon observing back.

Infinite in feeling, finite in observation.

I am in love.

Fun fact: my childhood nickname was moonbeam. šŸ™‚

 

It’s Not A Race To The End

2018 wrap up, asd, Assessment, Life events, Musings

Imma jump on this 2018 Year in Review bandwagon right quick because this year, for me, has been pretty eventful so I am moved to write about it.

I don’t normally write stuff about this since I think of time more contextually rather than numerically but here we go.

Two large life-changing events happened for me:

  1. I bought my first house
  2. I received an affirmative autism assessment

I’ll elaborate:

House Purchase

I don’t really see the house purchase as such a huge deal in like a societal achievement or whatever. I guess partly why it’s a big deal is because it’s taken up a lot of money and a lot of time to get it all sorted, fixed up, etc.

It is also in another country, which I guess makes things slightly more complicated but not really because if I ever decide to go home I’ll just sell it.

The main reason it’s a big deal is that I never thought I would be in this position. I always had this vision of myself that I would be in a quirky apartment with 2 cats living the single life forever. But I found someone super special just before I was going to go home and many things aligned that allowed us to be together.

Fate.

Finally.

So it’s been a large and expensive undertaking but the mental benefits have been surprisingly profound to me. I finally feel like I have a home again after moving away (drastically) to start uni. It’s been a long, hard road with many ups and downs, deeply regrettable encounters with a couple of people (though they lead me to where I am now so can’t really regret it as roses grew out of mud for me but still very bad memories) and wonderful learnings from others. I doubt I will ever go into the details on this blog but trust me when I say that the struggle was real and the hustle has paid off.

Assessment

This time last year I had booked my autism assessment and was compiling information from my mother and those closest to me for anything that I do or did that may be related to autism. I went private for my diagnosis since the NHS waiting list is incredibly long and I needed the answer sooner rather than later.

It cost a lot of money but it was worth it.

It was a pretty straight-forward assessment but grueling and long, and I think the two women who conducted my assessment knew long before we were finished that I was/am autistic.

It has been a phenomenal revelation and has filled in every missing piece for me.

I am 35 years old and have been on a quest to understand why I have felt like such an outsider and/or Frankenstein/Edward Scissorhands my entire life. I was in and out of different therapies, taken on and off different medications, etc., from about age 10 onward and struggled very badly with depression, anxiety and other negative feelings because no one could really tell me the why or because of my behavior. Now I have an answer that, had I been a kid right now, I probably would’ve received but no one was really looking out for autism when I was growing up much less diagnosing it for young girls or women.

Anyway, I started this blog to give myself a space to anonymously write my feelings about my assessment and whatever else is on my mind with the hope that maybe my words will help make one person out there on the interwebs feel less alone and feel supported in their own personal neurodiverse or neurotypical journey.

Because, you know, at the end of every keyboard is a flesh-and-blood human being who needs love and support just like everybody else whether they’re autistic or not.

I feel good about my assessment now. Some days, I still don’t know where autism starts and ends in my brain for me but I don’t really care. I am who I am. No one really fully understands autism and I have my own ideas around it but it just doesn’t matter. We are all having this human experience together despite our differences and I am happy/proud of who I am.

Plus, I always wanted to be part of the X-Men so this is the closest I’ll get. šŸ˜€

I always thought I would be dead by the time I reached 30. Once I graduated uni forever with my BA and MA (which was around the age of 31 or so), I thought to myself that anything that happens after that would be a bonus.

Four years later I am sitting here with full revelation of who I am, a home to call my own, a partner in crime and a good job with kind, friendly people.

And it’s those little things that matter the most to me. Yes, the political and environmental state of the world is profoundly depressing on a level that I do not wish to discuss on my blog.

I don’t know how I managed to turn my life around like this but I have and I am so grateful.

My new goal in life…

…a different kind of hustle, if you will,

is to be kind to people because, as I’ve said in other posts, we are all on a journey and all have baggage. We could all do with a little more kindness in our lives and I hope I can bring that while I’m still here.

Sorry, I Can’t “People” Right Now

asd, autism, Musings

Sometimes I want to write but don’t know what to write about.

A thousand and one things rattling around inside my head that are eager to be expressed

but life takes up so much time,

and I take up so much time mentally decompressing after a flurry of activity.

I went home for the holiday and that was nice to be home.

It was also intense and peopley.

But really nice.

It has taken me a week to decompress.

More holidaying to come will mean more time to decompress.

I am lucky/grateful in having time off over this festive period to do just that.

Mental decompression.

It’s an underrated healing tactic.

ā€œIā€™m so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.ā€ – L.M. Montgomery

Musings

I love Fall.

It’s probably my most favorite season next to spring.

And y’all know how much I love nature. šŸ˜€

I find the bite in the crispy, cool air on a bright day refreshing.

I love Halloween, spooky nights, cozy and comforting baked breads, and the crunching sound of burnt orange, crimson and turmeric-colored leaves on my walks to work.

I love oversized sweaters and being bundled up in a patterned scarf.

I love that kind of autumnal sleepy lull the season brings before the harshness and darkness of winter.

But, most of all, I love how reflective the seasonal change makes me.

It probably makes me more reflective than my usual heavily reflective state. šŸ˜€

I am going home during the autumn season for the first time in a long time.

And that’s pretty neat.

This has caused me to reflect on what a great life adventure I have been having–all of the lightness and darkness it has shown me–and what it has taught me.

I have had a very colorful life, and it is my mission to grow into a wise woman like Maya Angelou and hopefully, one day, bestow my knowledge and bring some positive influence to someone’s life.

So, the following are my fundamentals on how I try to live my life and to help me grow to become the most bad-ass person I can be:

1. Be kind to unkind people. Everyone has a battle inside of themselves they are trying to fight. This can make people harsh, cold and mean on the outside. You may want to be unkind to someone who is unkind to you, but it is important to remember that that negativity is coming from pain. We all need a little support in this life. I try to be kind. It is not always easy and I am not always successful but I do try.

2. Be open minded. Love who you want to love, dress how you want to dress, be who you want to be, be different, be status quo, be nothing, be something. As long as you aren’t hurting anyone or anything, just be you. I appreciate you for being true to your spirit.

3. Do not let the cruelty of the world kill your essence. I come from an activist family and I have done my fair share of activist work. I have experienced things. You have experienced things. This exposure has made me a realist. I refuse to let the darkness of humanity kill my light. It is important to rise above and not let negative experiences destroy. The world needs more light, more healing and more compassion. I refuse to let that be taken from me.

4. Appreciate the unique experience of living on Earth. I have spoken about this before I think in some of my posts. It’s a magical experience being able to know what life is like on a planet instead of viewing one from afar. It’s truly the most amazing thing. I think about this daily and pay attention to the profound-yet-minute details of nature that go on around us–sun reflecting off water, sparkling dew drops in the early morning hours, huge Harvest moons, fluffy bumblebees buzzing around flowers, and so on.

5. Society is a game. Work, the stock market, social success, money, status, power are all “not sure ifs” for me. I’ve never been one to adhere to any type of construct. I play by acceptable society rules because I need to do it in order to have a decent life but I do see through the facade. Remembering it’s make believe helps get me through sometimes. You may not agree with this, and I’m not asking you to, it’s just the way I, personally, see things.

6. Tell people you love them. There is an urgency to life that I carry with me always due to the passing of my father, who I was greatly connected to. Do away with what doesn’t serve you in life and tell people you love that you love them. Don’t wait. Life is too short for bullshit.

7. No matter what happens, get back up. This feeds back into number 3, but no matter what happens, keep that fighting spirit and get back up. The world needs you.

I’m sure there are more but these are some of the core beliefs I hold for myself and try to live by. To me, life is about learning and growing as much as possible, and to have a positive impact while I’m here.

I think I am doing that, which is pretty cool. I mean, we are all trying to do our best in life, right?

Time to head back out into that autumnal sunshine. šŸ™‚

Healing in Rain

Acceptance, Musings

I’ve been having some pretty intense writer’s block the last couple weeks.

It may be because of intense heat.

It may be because of being busy.

It may be because of laziness.

Maybe.

I walked home in the rain yesterday.

Normally, that would kind of blow but it was nice yesterday.

All the greenery looked more vibrant and relieved being bathed in soft, gentle rain showers.

Refreshed.

I used to love writing on my mom’s back porch during rain and thunderstorms alike.

It would usually make me feel really reflective of life and things, thus spurring some pretty intense writing.

That would then lead to some pretty intense healing.

I don’t have a porch anymore (yet) but the walk yesterday did make me reflect on life and things.

And that’s really my most favorite activity — to think about life and things.

Especially if there’s rain.

I guess the real reason why I’ve been having writer’s block is because I’ve doing a large amount of healing.

Analyzing.

Accepting.

Strengthening.

Letting go.

Feeling humble and complete in my soggy Vans, soaked umbrella and dripping coffee-colored curls.

 

Spiral Out

Musings

I love flowers.

I love how they can evoke so many moods and adorn so many occasions.

I love that they can be bursting with colorful life or mimic our sorrow.

When I was a kid I used to tell people not to pick flowers because it hurt them.

I don’t have any picked flowers in my house, but I do like to have a bountiful, eclectic garden full of floral prismatic colors and kaleidoscope patterns within petals.

I’m not prejudiced against types of flowers and I’m not even that educated about species, etc. I tend to like anything and the better they are for wildlife the better.

I think moonflowers are one of my favorites though.

So mysterious, so mystical.

And aromatic honeysuckles always remind me of home.

Often I get lost in mentally deconstructing the nuanced detail of a bloom.

A universe within a universe within a universe.

I’m kind of obsessed with finding profound beauty in everyday life.

And flowers are often what I see on my walk to and from work that evoke such feelings for me.

There is so much beauty Earth holds that is unique only to Earth that we either see, smell, taste, hear or feel every single day from the moment we are born to the moment we move on.

How lucky are we to experience these beauties of a planet as opposed to viewing one from afar?