Things have been hard.
By “things” I mean generally being overtaxed by the strain of trying to live up to all work, friends, family, life-in-general demands that are not in sync with my needs.
It’s been just under two years since I received my autism diagnosis.
I was not offered follow-up therapy.
Instead, I was provided a reading list of books and access to a local support group.
I have read the books.
An in-person support group is too much for me so I’ve accessed numerous online resources instead.
I’ve learned a lot.
I’ve felt supported to an extent.
I’ve tried to put myself out there to avoid autistic isolation.
It has been scary and rewarding.
But it’s not working.
I’ve finally booked an appointment to see a therapist who specializes in autism.
I need to speak to someone who actually gets it.
I have been let down by most in my daily life.
I don’t know why I thought my diagnosis would be the revelation to everyone else that it was to me.
I don’t know why I expected so much out of most people.
I suppose it was pretty naive to think that people would change when I’m the one who is used to doing the changing.
Comfortable being uncomfortable.
I have written about this before with a little more gusto than I currently have as I’m typing this.
There’s that saying that if one keeps repeating the same action (like banging your head against the wall) but expects a different result then it’s insanity?
That’s currently where I’m at.
I thought I could do this on my own but I don’t think I can.
I guess I underestimated just how unaware the general public is about autism.
To be totally honest (and I know this may come off bad but I don’t mean it with any malicious intent–just an impulse feeling right now), I’m finding it a little bit of an injustice that I’m the one who has to seek therapy because most people around me won’t respect my diagnosis.
But those are feelings I can talk through with the therapist.
Admission is step one.
Seeking help is step two.
On a side note: when I booked my appointment, she sent me the most detailed directions to a location ever. It was like 3 paragraphs of super-specific instructions on where to go, what to expect, how to pay and so on. That, alone, brought me the most relief I have felt since I became openly autistic. Silver linings.