Earth Is the Most Beautiful Thing About Earth

feelings, Musings

I haven’t been sleeping very well.

The burning sun rays that split the darkness of the room around 4am have been pretty invasive.

And so have my thoughts.

I was on vacation last week in a place geographically south of here.

The sun rose around 7am.

I would wake up around 6:30am, sit on the balcony and watch the morning rise over the Atlantic ocean.

That was probably my most favorite part of our vacation:

absorbing the sleepy silence of the morning,

noting the tender tinkering of silverware being set up for breakfast below us,

the gentle rolling and breaking of slumbersome waves along the cliffs,

and the sporadic trill and chirps of morning songs from sea birds.

It was sensory bliss.

Waking like that reminded me of home.

I would wake up around 6:30am for a 7am sunrise.

Instead of a balcony, I would sit on our back porch and watch the morning rise over a tree-lined yard instead of a tranquil ocean.

Trill and chirps of sea birds replaced by bird song from robins, blue jays and sparrows.

Earth is the most beautiful thing about Earth.

I wish the human species had it hardwired in the brain to appreciate, respect and care for the planet it is so lucky to live on and experience firsthand rather than from a telescope.

Get Back Up & Do It Again

feelings, Life events

It has been a pretty rough start to this year, which may be mildly ironic given my year in review of 2018.

But things can’t always be peachy keen.

How dull would life be if everything was perfect all the time?

We would never appreciate the good moments,

the beautiful moments,

the vulnerable moments,

those moments that feel infinite.

I am a firm believer that hardships happen to spur growth and/or change,

and boy, I sure am going through some growing pains right now.

It’s easy to think that, with age, you become impervious to growth;

that you’ve learned all you needed to learn during your youth so now the world just sorta happens around you,

but that is truly naive thinking.

Part of what I am learning is that, while I thought I had learned almost everything there was to learn, I was wrong and I am learning a lot right now,

changing a lot,

metamorphosing.

I mean, I guess life has been pretty sweet for the last 4 years.

I’ve been long overdue for a rocky one.

So, here we are and here I am learning.

It’s kind of rough.

But there is so much shimmering wisdom blooming within this chaos.

Spiral Out

Musings

I love flowers.

I love how they can evoke so many moods and adorn so many occasions.

I love that they can be bursting with colorful life or mimic our sorrow.

When I was a kid I used to tell people not to pick flowers because it hurt them.

I don’t have any picked flowers in my house, but I do like to have a bountiful, eclectic garden full of floral prismatic colors and kaleidoscope patterns within petals.

I’m not prejudiced against types of flowers and I’m not even that educated about species, etc. I tend to like anything and the better they are for wildlife the better.

I think moonflowers are one of my favorites though.

So mysterious, so mystical.

And aromatic honeysuckles always remind me of home.

Often I get lost in mentally deconstructing the nuanced detail of a bloom.

A universe within a universe within a universe.

I’m kind of obsessed with finding profound beauty in everyday life.

And flowers are often what I see on my walk to and from work that evoke such feelings for me.

There is so much beauty Earth holds that is unique only to Earth that we either see, smell, taste, hear or feel every single day from the moment we are born to the moment we move on.

How lucky are we to experience these beauties of a planet as opposed to viewing one from afar?

Spiritual Loneliness

Assessment

I feel lonely a lot.

It isn’t a loneliness that comes from lack of people around me.

It’s deeper than that.

Like a spiritual loneliness.

I’ve never really felt like I belonged anywhere.

The older I get, the more accustom to this feeling I become.

But that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t bother me sometimes.

I know I have people around me who love me but I sometimes wonder if they really do love me.

I think it’s because I don’t process feelings like those around me do.

I feel things.

Deeply.

But I struggle to verbally express those feelings well.

Or even really process what I’m feeling to a certain extent.

That’s why I write.

Why I have this blog.

Why I prefer text messages to phone calls.

Why I go silent for a period of time when someone opens up to me.

I have oceans of empathy but struggle to articulate said empathy appropriately.

I don’t speak to anyone from my past.

I like it that way.

But I do sometimes miss having USA-relevant comradery among cultural references in jokes and experiences that people in this country don’t necessarily understand (as referenced in a previous post).

Those references aren’t on the same level of spiritual loneliness though.

And they’re fleeting.

I thought my assessment would somehow fill this spiritual loneliness somewhat, which it has, but I think I was naive or expecting too much from the outside world.

Right now, I’m battling being open about my autism or pretending like it’s not there.

I don’t want to hide who I am.

I don’t want to camoflauge.

I don’t want to be exhausted from camoflauging.

I want to be who I am. All of me. Always.

But I’m having a hard time with ignorant comments and/or apathy about high-functioning autism I’ve been receiving in my daily life.

It is making me feel even more lonely, to be honest.

Forever wayward, it seems.

I know it will improve.

Photo by Jake Givens on Unsplash

Moving While Not Moving

Musings

There’s a kind of catharsis that comes along with big news, big changes, big events.

For me, it sometimes feels like that big piece of new information becomes part of who I am

and I think to myself “Okay, this is me now” and I get sort of complacent in that space.

Usually after about a nanosecond of feeling that way, I tell myself that life isn’t about complacency.

Not for me anyway.

It’s about continually tilling and digging to discover more about who I am and the world I’m in.

I like to always be moving.

Always working toward something.

Always philosophising about something.

Always doing.

Always.

Ironic, maybe, that one of my favorite activities is sitting on the lawn and doing nothing.

But I’m not really doing nothing.

I’m feeling the combination of cool earth and soft down of the grass.

Feeling the cool or warm or crisp or balmy breeze.

Feeling the nurturing glow of the sun.

Feeling.

And smelling all the magnificent smells of spring (right now, anyway).

I’m currently reading a book about quantum biology that analyzes smell.

It’s a pretty freakin’ remarkable process.

But I digress.

Being enveloped by nature helps me deepen my understanding of what it means to be alive.

It’s pretty incredible that we get to experience life on a planet as opposed to viewing one from the distance.

So I like to always be physically and mentally doing even if it looks like I’m doing nothing sometimes.

Moving while not moving.

I guess that’s kind of a big part of who I am.

Spring on Earth

Musings

Spring and Fall are my favorite seasons. I like the crispy, cool air and crunchy leaves of Fall and breaking out the sweaters and knits after relishing in strappy things and shorts for the summer.

Right now, the earliest hints of Spring are beginning to blossom. The sun feels brighter, warmer. The air is beginning to become perfumed with the aroma of early spring blooms. Shedding the bulky winter coat for something a little airier and possibly even sporting bare legs again always feels so refreshing.

Seeing nature awaken from the deep slumber of winter is always inspiring to me. Watching the sleepy bees buzz in the sun, little gnats darting and zipping in clusters made visible by sunglare and the hint of green springing up from the ground is miraculous. The synchronised systems that pull the pulse strings that intrinsically link nature, the earth, the sun, the solar system, the universe fills my rib cage with the most electric hum of transcendence.

That all reads very abstract, but I don’t know how else to say what I mean. It’s not even really something I can articulate. It’s a profound feeling at the deepest point inside that vibrates on the same string that links nature, the earth, the sun, the solar system the universe.

To be able to experience what life is actually like on a planet rather than viewing it from a satellite from a great distance is…is beyond words.

I’m going home this week.

It’ll be nice to have these spring-time feelings there as well.

The Truth Hurts Less If Open

Communication

People are surprised when I tell them I struggle with communication.

They often tell me that it doesn’t seem like I struggle.

The truth is that I’m faking it.

I’ve had 34 years of watching what others do around me and mimicking, with a lot of error, what those people did in social situations.

I don’t really think I did well with this skill at all until I uprooted my life and moved to the UK from the USA for university.

It was hard.

Reallyreally hard.

It did force me to excel at camouflaging and trying my best to “fit in” or whatever.

Nowadays, I’m so good at being uncomfortable that I don’t even notice it sometimes.

The giggles, smiles, forced “Have a good weekend” or “Happy New Year” and other general conventions of conversation.

To give you some perspective, I couldn’t even really mutter a “hello” or “goodbye” until I was like 27.

I legitimately do not understand the concept of “hello” or “goodbye.” This caused me a lot of problems including being fired from a job when I was a teenager or people thinking I was a rude human being.

Taking various psychology courses in high school and community college has helped me learn the structure of effective communication so I guess this is why people think I do it well.

I don’t really mean any harm to anyone. I don’t mean to be rude or anything like that. I try my best to hide my inability to understand and usually default to the giggle mentioned above if I don’t know how to respond. I’ve gotten better at saying “I don’t understand, can you please explain it more clearly?” but that doesn’t always work out in the best way.

I still struggle if I do not receive a direct response or action. Passive aggressive behavior is basically my kryptonite.

Written words are no issue. Verbal words are another matter.

I have had meltdowns over communication.

I guess we all have our own preferred methods of communication and I am still surprised by the amount of ineffective communication that happens (i.e., dramarama) over silly things that would be prevented if people were honest and open with each other.

It’s a funny thing, this communication business.